Minute Man Begs, "Beam me up!" >Page 1, 2
The Lady Buckeyes at the Lincoln Memorial
The Ohio State women's rugby team, Mr. Speaker, wanted to do something
memorable in D.C. It was memorable, all right. Unlike Brandy Chastain's highly
publicized sports bra expose, the Lady Buckeyes went topless. That is right,
topless. The Lincoln Memorial became a strip joint. Bras were flying everywhere.
Unbelievable. Now, after all this, the University has suspended the team, and
these Buckeye vixens are awaiting the final decision. Beam me up, Mr.
Speaker. Leave these foxy ladies alone. If America can forgive the President,
the Ohio State University can forgive these Buckeye divas. I yield back all of
the memorable excitement at the Lincoln Memorial.
And saving the best for last, we have:
Bring Old Reliable Back to its Proper Throne
Mr. Speaker, a 1992 law designed to save water said that the old standard 3 1/2
gallon toilet must be replaced with a 1 1/2 gallon streamlined job. It sounds
good, but Americans have been flushing away ever since. It has gotten so bad
there is now a black market on old reliables. It is no joke. Americans are
getting potty fatigue flushing their own toilet. If that is not enough, Members
of the other side, to squeeze your Charmin, if you get caught flushing an old
reliable in your own home, it is a $2,500 fine. Beam me up here. I say
the nincompoop over at EPA who suggested this policy should go to a proctologist
for a brain scan. Flush this. I yield back all the constipation over this issue
and urge us to bring old reliable back to its appropriate throne.
FDA Gone to the Dogs?
Mr. Speaker, the Food and Drug Administration has approved a
new-state-of-the-art antidepressant for dogs. The FDA says "American
canines are suffering from anxiety." Think about it, no barking beagles, no
more whining weimaraners, no more defecating Dobermans. Meanwhile, the FDA
continues to deny approval for certain cancer- treating drugs to help mom and
dad. Beam me up. It is evident that the FDA has gone to the dogs. What is
next, Viagra for felines? I yield back all the misguided priorities of the Food
and Drug Administration.
Furby Cited as Threat to U.S. Security
Mr. Speaker, the President is on trial, we are bombing Baghdad, Kosovo is in
turmoil, and the American steel industry is literally being raped. After all
this, the National Security Agency has designated a new major threat to our
Republic, the furby; that is right, this furby cyberpet, that stands 4 inches
tall and sells for $30, has just been designated as the next great threat to our
freedom. Beam me up, Mr. Speaker. Beam me up. I say, the only
threat these furbys really pose is they seem to appear to be much smarter than
the bungling nincompoops at the National Security Agency. I recommend, for $30 a
smack, here, that we hire furbys and fire those bureaucrats. Think about that
one. Furby this, James Bond.
Remember, the above words are those of Rep. Traficant and are neither supported nor opposed by your About.com Guide. So, just beam me up.
Political Notes: Rep. Traficant is a Democrat, but he was the keynote speaker at the 1997 state conventions of the California, Michigan and Texas Reform Parties. He also addressed the Reform Party's national convention. In June of 1998, he addressed the Virginia Reform Party's state convention.
Voters in his Mahoning Valley, Ohio district have re-elected Rep. Traficant seven times, in each instance giving him at least 68 percent of the vote. In 1992 he received more than 216,000 votes -- the third highest total of any House member.
Reference Links
U.S. Rep. James A. Traficant's Biography
The life and political history of the Democratic U.S. Representative from Ohio's 17th District.
Rep. Traficant is well aware of the popularity of his one-minute speeches and is proud to share them with you.
James Traficant and Ohio's Mahoning Valley
Ohio's Mahoning Valley is arguably one of the most corrupt regions in the country. The area's local hero is James Traficant, who was elected to Congress the year after he beat a 1983 racketeering rap. Now he faces the threat of a another federal corruption probe. Organized Crime Guide Eponine Sallee examines the mind-boggling degree of corruption at work in Youngstown
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